mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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