someone get that fucking seahorse.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
