I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
