She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
