There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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