Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
