Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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