I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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