I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
my poor anus
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
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