Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
