tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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