:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I wear drunk well.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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