I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Found the puke drawer
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
