Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
