I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
