i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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