I wish I could punch you in the face.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
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She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
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New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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