every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
