There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
