i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
