this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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