Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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