So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
