a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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