wanna go halves on a baby?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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