i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
