tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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