In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
