Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
