I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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