If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
