I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
