I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
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How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
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You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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