I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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