A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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