oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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