Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
