I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
