thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Found your dick twin last night
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
