I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
