3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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