There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
