i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
