you guys were way drunker than both of me
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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