I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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