You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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