if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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