Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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