and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
