The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
