You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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