she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She needs sedatives and a leash
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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