i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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