1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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