When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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