she was so not down for the gang bang
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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