She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
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I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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